Saturday, April 17, 2010

Oh Fuck, Is Lindsay Lohan Going To Die?


Sooo.. uhhh... how bout that Lindsay Lohan? America's Favorite Trainwreck (not to be bested by Kate Gosselin, try as she might) is still digging her claws into the media's sides... grasping on to any sort of relevancy anywhere that will let her (aka, right here). Lately people can' t help but seem to notice the fact that she's apparently got a one-way ticket to hell and she's riding as fast as she possibly can. Let's look at just a few of her most recent endeavors and then ponder the "Lindsay Lohan is Going To Die" theory, shall we?


This is the new ad campaign for her leggings line 6126. Alright so first of all, let's talk about the set design. I'm really fascinated with the way the photographer thought that obscuring the studio and wonky equipment with neon lights and holograms via bad photoshop would make it any less noticeable that she's leaning on a box in a warehouse.


Like... seriously? I know you guys were relying on a shitton of post-production to try and save this poor excuse of a "campaign", but this is just sooo lazy. That's not to say that I'm surprised considering the fact that La Lohan's at the helm of all of it. God she looks like she's 30.

These leggings suck, btw. I've touched them and they're chintzy as hell.

They're about to release a Mean Girls video game, and the cover art features a glaringly obvious omission...


The reason LiLo's not on the cover is supposedly because Paramount owns her image and it would be way too expensive and blah blah blah butttt I think the game's better off for it. Not gonna lie though a Mean Girls video game sounds like a great idea. The more bitches you sabotage--> the higher your social status--> the more points you get. Sounds fun!

Linds has also been squawking all around Hollywood about how she's interested in playing Linda Lovelace, aka the bitch that starred in Deep Throat.


She kept bringing it up to anyone who would listen to the point where the actual execs in charge of the project had to release an official statement saying that she wasn't involved. I love how up front she is about thinking that she's the perfect candidate for a porn star's biopic. She's just so damn shameless.. she's come to the complete realization that that's all that's left for her. It's certainly within her sphere of acting capabilities, being sad and giving blow jobs is pretty much Lindsay's entire existence at this point. Yet the people in charge of the project have even more class than to allow something like Hurricane Lindsay ruin their movie. Fun Fact: This bitch has only been in 11 movies. Isn't that crazy? She seriously does. not. work.

Putting the mug shot to good use:


Lindsay's not one to stretch too far with her roles (the few that are given to her), and has definitely embraced the "I just wanna play myself and look hot" mentality. She's probably just attracted to the fact that Linda Lovelace is a fellow slut who can also go by the moniker of LiLo No seriously, I think that's really why she's doing it.

People are currently playing the "When Is Lindsay Going To Die?" game, which is an awful game, but you can't be a celebrity train wreck without it. Apparently tabloids are already making mock ups of her obituary so that they're prepared for the big day. Here's some terrible quote I pulled from Perez Hilton:

"News outlets need to be prepared. However shocking a story it might be, they are in the business of breaking news fast and any preparation that can be done ahead of time is them just simply doing their jobs. We all scrambled when Brittany Murphy and Heath Ledger died and don't want that to happen again."

Fuck that shit, you can't ever predict the news or what's going to happen tomorrow... so why is this any different? This is somebody's life you're talking about! I know she's a fucking mess and that she puts herself out there to be displayed and judged and made a mockery of but predicting deaths and sitting back and calculating how it can best be profited off of is a thousand kinds of wrong. I know that she's made herself highly resistant to getting actual help for her sad situation, but why does the public feel so entitled to their celebrities' privacy/safety?

This video is FUCKED UP!


There's a fine line between getting pleasure out of a tabloid rag for it's speculations on how Kourtney Kardashian lost her baby weight (ugh) and anticipating the death of someone who truly seems to be clueless. Lindsay Lohan may be a lost cause but that doesn't mean we have any right to speed up her time on earth because we find it entertaining. I'm sorry if any of that comes off as hyper-sensitive (it shouldn't, considering the rest of the post is done in jest), but it's just one of those things that grosses me out about society.

At the end of the day, yes, Lindsay Lohan is a sick person with some pretty bad problems (don't even get me started on her hoarding) who's been magnified and glamorized her entire life, and yes, she could quite possibly die from it. If I were in Vegas and I had to place a bet I'd say it'd be in 2012 . The build-up is pretty damn harsh though, and you'd think it'd wake her stupid-ass up. I could go onto a Marilyn Monroe tangent right now but I don't feel like it cuz that's what she wants me to do, so I'm going to wrap it up with two quotes, one by Lindsanity herself and one by the king, Michael Ian Black:

"Black guys love me – Damon Dash, P. Diddy. 50 called my agent for my number. He said he was watching ‘Mean Girls’ and loved it. I was freaking out! The first thing I thought was, ‘Where’s Eminem?’ I’m in love with him!" - Lindsay Lohan

"How is it that other world cities manage to age gracefully while American cities get wrinkly, saggy boobs pretty much as soon as they hit puberty? Rome, Paris, London, Tokyo. All old cities who have problems but still seem to retain their charm. They are Sophia Laurens compared to our Lindsay Lohans. Maybe our cities are just going through an awkward stage and will re-emerge after they have a little work done." - Michael Ian Black


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